What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 30.06.2025 12:59
I said to her
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She was in good health!
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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
We were not on the streets..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
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One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
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But, we were locked up after school.
But ive been too sick for many years..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She married twice! .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
This is soul school!.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My life is so biszare .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
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All the time i was locked up.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Put me off passion for life!!
Especially a lifetime of it.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
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He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I write beautiful poetry .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
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I could never make a relationship work though!
I think the readers, may guess!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
(And it was in our own minds.)
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
One cannot live in the past .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And i lived it daily.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Ive learnt so much.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Im still living with it.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But it wasn’t much.
When she asked me how she looked .
I was very sick at this time too.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I never cut or harmed myself..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
So, i spoilt her more .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
What did i know ?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I was scared of men, in general
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was seconnd youngest,
Comes on , in middle age.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I don,t even have a pension.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Why did i forgive my father ?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Was to survive, this bastard.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Would this be the day?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She found it foreign!.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I have no regrets .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We all went to grammer schools
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My family never makes their pension either.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Who then, do I blame.?
I will be 64.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was 9 years of age.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He resisted the act ,that day.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
So whats the point in blame.
He knew the spot.
It was going to be , some day.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
As i do to all so called friends.?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I waited trembling.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She loved him until the end.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She wouldn,t have been !
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..